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Talk It Out:
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"Children getting older is the flip side to parenthood. I know that I have spent the better part of the thirty years being a mother. Even when realistic, sometimes our vision of what the future with our children will be like hits the wall of reality. We do not always celebrate Christmas Day with our son and his family. They have decided on a system of visiting the families. I do not question whether they will be here or not. Currently, if they do not come for Christmas, they will come for New Years. I do not know how long they will be able to keep up this schedule. Currently the rest of the children who are adults live with us or near us, but I have no doubt that this will change in the near future. My reaction is just to go on and work around it. I cannot change it. I am currently involved with activities that keep me busy and focused on learning a difficult skill. While it does not keep the doldrums away during the holiday itself, it certainly keeps it away before and after the day passes. I have also decided to make keepsake gifts for the children and grandchildren using my art skills. Whether they get these gifts before the day or after the day matters not. Some of the gifts should make it through the years, and I will still be remembered as part of that holiday or celebration. I think it is more important for a relationship to develop year round that be concerned about one holiday. Certainly Christmas and Thanksgiving are things that children usually remember the rest of their lives, but no one remembers everything about every holiday. Just being a part of some of those years will be remembered. Being a parent isn't easy at any age." ~ Mrs. R "There
is always someone else to invite over! Think of the widow with
the small children for whom the holidays will be overwhelming!
The soldier stationed at the local base or post (I was one of
these once!) What about the businessman who has to be
out of town? The college student that is staying at
the dorm? An elderly neighbor? There are many organizations
that can help you find someone to celebrate with. Check with
your local church, charity organization, etc. No one should be
lonely over the holidays!" ~ Barbara "This Christmas will be
the first that we will spend by ourselves. Since our son and
family live in Pennsylvania, and we live in the Southwest. Our
daughter's family is going up to visit her husband's family in
Washington State so we are going to be alone. I get depressed
thinking about it, BUT a good thing to do would be to go to a
local nursing home and volunteer to serve the Christmas dinner
to the residents, so that the staff could have the day with
their family. And since I play the piano and sing, we could
have a time of Christmas carols afterwards." ~ Winifred
in AZ "I hope my
words will be taken in the best way possible. It is hard
when life changes, but it seems as if you are in a different
season in your life and need to find ways to adapt to it. "It's
hard to adjust to a different style of Christmas, but that is
the first step. Accept that Christmas is different now, like
it or not, and look for ways to make the best of it. First, be
happy for your children and don't begrudge them their own
lives -- you started your own life once too..... Next, assess
what you would really LIKE.... breakfast in bed? Dinner in a
fine hotel? Helping out at a community dinner? Embracing
change is a sure way to avoid an old-age mindset. I've
had to re-assess my Christmas many times over the years and am
doing it again this year. Diabetes for both me and my dad
means taking the emphasis off food and baking and putting it
somewhere else.....Look on learning to change as a life-skill.
It's so useful!" ~Ellen in Ottawa "Being involved in helping make Christmas a special occasion for others who are alone in the community is my antidote to feeling sad when I am unable to be with my own children for Christmas. Cooking and/or serving a Christmas dinner for homeless folk in a church hall can bring the light of Christmas into their lives and also into your own soul. One year I visited people in prison on Christmas Day and realized that my pain was nothing in comparison to their own. I felt truly humbled in realizing that, although my family was scattered, we still cared for each other. Others are not so blessed." ~ Kay (from Australia)
"A few
years ago our daughter was teaching English in Russia for a
year. It was the first Christmas without both of our children. I
was really dreading it. Finally I decided I could ruin
what I had or I could appreciate what was now. We decided
to do some things differently that year and were surprised that
it wasn't so bad after all. Our children are both married now.
We sometimes have them for holidays but sometimes it is the in-laws'
turn. I read a bumper sticker a few years back that said,
'The only constant is change.' I don't always like the
change but your reaction is a choice. I still haven't mastered
all of this and it continues to be an ongoing struggle but
it certainly helped." ~ Vern "When feeling bad about my children not being home for the holidays, I realize that I am looking inward at how this affects me and my vision for others deteriorates. Instead I must force myself to look outward and realize that there are worse things than not having my children there. Some have never had children, some have children who have turned away from them, some have children that tragically died young. How blessed my children are alive and enjoying their life with their family. We arrange a time that day or one before or after when we can have a fun, light-hearted phone call. I plan to have some new jokes or funny stories to tell them and at Thanksgiving I can tell them how thankful I am for them. At Christmas it might be my wishes that they are enjoying the holiday where they are at. It is always good to remind them that you pray for their wellbeing and for their families. If you are free from family encumbrances on the holiday, bless someone else. Nursing home residents may have no family to visit them that day, some non-profits need volunteers that day, college students from other countries may be spending the day alone in the dorms, widows/widowers not only may not see their children that day -- they have no spouse to dine with. You need to look around and away from yourself to an entire world that has bigger issues than this." ~ Christy "I came from a divorced family and holidays were stressful. What seemed to work was picking a day around the holiday and celebrating Christmas then. Make the ham/turkey, sing songs, open presents, share traditions. When this was done before the holiday we had something to reflect upon if we weren't together with the loved ones. Perhaps if
you can only see your relatives around Thanksgiving you
could put up the Christmas tree and start the
Christmas season together and exchange gifts to
start the season? Start a new tradition by gathering
on the 1st weekend in Dec. to do this and then that weekend
will be reserved for your family? Our town has a 'Hometown
Christmas Celebration' and my teen sisters come and we
attend the Caroling hayrides, parade, have hot cocoa,
tour the Christmas lights. They help
decorate my house and tree, make cookies. It's a great
tradition we've established and because they've helped
decorate if I miss them on Christmas day I've already
had them make their mark on my Holiday!" ~ Candy "My husband and I have over a decade of experience ministering to internationals. For the empty nesters reading this wonderful ezine, I recommend they contact their local church to get the names and telephone numbers of 2-3 internationals. Many students come to the U.S. to study, but are never invited into an American home, let alone a Christian home. What a wonderful time of year to share the story of the birth of Christ with someone from another country who may not even have a Bible! And if your reader's church doesn't have an internationals ministry, I suggest she call a larger church in her community. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship that makes an eternity of difference." ~ Michele
Editor's Note: Thanks to these subscribers for taking the time to respond. |
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