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CTC Readers' Poll:
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"I most certainly do encourage our family to say these
words. I have noticed that when the boys (2 oldest ones)
moved to Atlanta, they lost the habit and would answer
adults, 'Yeah.' It would make me cringe. I think
it depends on where you live regionally. In the South, the
terms are signs of respect and proper upbringing. Elsewhere,
I have had recipients say , 'Don't call me ma'am,' or 'You
do not have to be so polite,' (when the gentleman was
addressed as 'Sir'). I cannot imagine why? Anyway,
it never hurts to 'err' on the side of politeness!" ~
Colleen in GA
"Regarding the use of 'Yes, ma'am,' 'Yes, sir,' it was and continues to be an absolute priority for our children. The use of the terms ma'am and sir are nothing more than common courtesy, the practice of which has sadly gone by the wayside.
When I worked at the Christian school
our children attended the students were required to address me
as ma'am, otherwise they would go ignored, and addressing me
as ma'am became second nature to them.
Oddly enough at a church function that
my husband and I assisted with last night, one 10 year boy
came into the kitchen and said, 'Can I have another hot dog?'
My husband made him repeat his request several times and
finally told the young boy, 'How about saying please, 'May I I
have another hot dog?'' I think the kid finally
got the message .. and his hot dog!"
~ Sue
"I
have lived in the North, the South and the Midwest. I did not grow
up saying 'Ma'am' or 'Sir'. I have trained my children to say,.
'Yes, Mrs. Smith' or 'Yes, Mr. Jones,' 'Yes, Mom' or 'Yes, Dad.'
The politeness of saying ma'am or sir is nothing more than
'sounding polite.' As adults, we think that we are fooling people
by insisting that our children 'sound polite'. In my experience,
children do not have to think when they are engaging an adult.
They only answer 'Sir' or 'Ma'am' and that is the extent of their
involvement. They are saying what we want to hear. There is no
real exchange in conversation because they have not invested any
more than 'Sir' or 'Ma'am'. When my children address someone with
their name (and it is always Mr. or Mrs.) they are making a
conscience effort to acknowledge the person they are talking to.
In my opinion, being polite has far less to do with the words that
are coming out of their mouths and far more the heart in which
they are said. As parents, we need to remember that, then maybe
southern hospitality will be more genuine. Thanks
For listening." ~ Stephanie "I've always asked the adults how they preferred to be addressed. Even when I was growing up (a long time ago!) some of our neighbors were called by their first names and others by Mr. or Mrs. so-and-so. The same policy went for my friends' parents, so that is the policy I've had with my children. We respect the way the other person wants to be addressed. After all, it is all about respect for others." ~ Sharon in Massachusetts "When my children were young, I did not require them to say 'Ma'am' or 'Sir' when addressing adults, but I did require them to say Mrs. Smith or Mr. Jones until they were given permission to address the adult in a more familiar way. If the adult was a close friend, we settled on 'Aunt' Sue or 'Uncle' Bob to keep it as respectful as possible. This taught them to show respect for their elders and the importance of earning the trust inherent in familiarity." ~ Melissa, Wisconsin "While we have never had our kids use 'ma'am' or 'sir' we have always insisted that they use names. So if I say it's time to take a bath, I expect to hear a 'Yes, Mommy.' That way I know they heard me and are accountable for the request. It also shows respect if they want to bargain. They say, 'Yes, Mommy. May I finish this chapter first?' We also use it when responding when called. It's so much nicer to hear than 'What?'." ~ Prajna "We didn't start out teaching our daughter to say 'Yes Ma'am' and 'Yes Sir,' but when she was around 3 years old, I noticed that she was not answering us in a respectful way. We could have taught her to say 'Yes Mommy' and 'Yes Daddy' but since our objective is to teach her to respect all authority we are teaching our daughter to say Ma'am & Sir.
Thanks for the thought provoking
questions and all the work you put into Counting the Cost. I look
forward to every issue." ~ Ellen
"Although both my husband and I were in the military and such responses were absolutely necessary, the children got by 'under the radar.' In retrospect (they are now in their 30s), I believe the emphasis should have been to teach them to have eye contact with the adult or other person and use the response 'Yes' rather than 'yeahhh'. This simple act builds self confidence and respect of the other individual......Good question." ~ Lois
"Although I grew up in an area that generally
did not use 'Ma'am' and 'Sir,' my parents being southern bred
required its use from me. How to make it stick? Start early just
like with please and thank you. Model the expected behavior. My
parents said ma'am and sir even to us. The teenage years were hard
for me in this respect because none of my friends used that phrase
so I didn't want to either. This was a non-negotiable in my house.
Because my parents modeled and required the use of these phrases
it is habit with me and I don't have to think about it. I am
thankful my parents taught this simple verbage of respect. Over
the years it has garnered me compliments and respectful glances
from people in authority. I have come to believe it is part of
courtesy . As Christians we are suppose to stand apart, we are to
be looked at as 'What is different about that person?' Saying
yes/no Ma'am/Sir is a courtesy to others that is not so common
today. I am teaching my children. We live in a community where
yeah and nay are common and when it is stretched out so it sounds
disrespectful to me outside the familiarity of family and close
friends. Even a complete yes or no would be better. However, I
know that if I allow them to say yeah and nay at home that will
become the habit. So, we practice. If my children say yeah and
nay, I reminder them just as I would if they forgot please or
thank you. My mom told me I wouldn't be sorry if it taught them to
use ma'am and sir. I get frequent comments from teachers and other
adults on my children's manners. It helps smooth over the
sometimes bluntness of a child's speech if it is followed with
please, thank you, ma'am and sir." ~ Elizabeth, Alaska
"Yes, I teach our children to say 'Ma'am' and 'Sir' in reply to questions. I grew up in the South and that was a given. Even though we moved here when I was 9, I had already been taught to say it. And I expect my kids to do so! It is a part of good manners in my mind. Just start to teach them to say it when ever they are told to do something or asked something. Also require that they use it when they are speaking to someone they don't know. When I call to ask someone that I don't know a question (a business), I always say, 'Yes Ma'am' or 'Yes, Sir,' when asked if they can help me. It is just forming a new habit to use them!
Good for you for wanting to teach your
children good manners in a world where manners are forgotten or
not even known!" ~ Sandy
"Sir or Ma'am was never an option
for our children. We view it as a sign of respect for each other.
We have been blessed with four children, born 9/81, 10/83, 04/85
& 07/85. Generally we had 5-6 other children living with us at
any given time. Without clear communication it was chaos. For
us it (Sir & Ma'am) was a way to know they/we hear and
understood what was being said. It is a very clear way to
communicate, 'I hear and understand what you are saying' (not always
agree). It was part of our 'Time to set the table or, make sure
the gate is closed, do not spray your sister with the hose thru the
screen door'. etc. We responded in kind to 'Mommy, I need 200
cupcakes tomorrow for school, the boys are sliding down the
stairs in a laundry basket, my chores are done, can I play out side?'
Did we use it every time? No but with
young children especially, it was a way to know there was no
misunderstanding what was being said and we or they understood.
My children have blessed us with 2
grandchildren so far and are carrying it on. My favorite now is 'Grandma,
am I a big boy yet? 'YES SIR!!'" ~ Katie
"My husband and I are of different schools of thought with this particular topic. I was brought up in Christian school where 'Ma'am' and 'Sir' were not optional but required. My husband was raised in a far more strict environment than I, but without this formality. My 3-year-old is in the habit of answering, 'What?' when called, and that just grates on me...it feels very disrespectful. What I've been doing with Andrew (my son) is answering him with 'Yes sir' and 'No sir' when we're in conversation, and he's been slowly picking it up. Of course, he's calling me 'sir'!. I'm looking forward to hearing other's opinions on this topic.! ~ Emily in ohio "I was raised to say 'Sir' and 'Ma'am' and I use it to this day, even when addressing children. For me, it has always been more than a show of respect. I use it to show that I am paying specific attention to a person, that I am focused on what he or she is saying/doing. My father-in-law is retired and was a career enlisted in the Navy. He originally objected to my calling him, 'Sir,' but now appreciates his grandchildren's responses which show their obvious respect, attention, and love for him." ~ Dona in Richmond VA "We are not teaching our children to use 'Sir' or 'Ma'am' generically. However, we have borrowed an idea that is used by many military families. When addressing adults, they are referred to as 'Mr.' or 'Miss' if not ranked. So, our neighbors are called 'Miss Marsha and Mr. Roy' by my children. This practice lends itself well to the informality of our culture, while still teaching the child to respect their elders." ~ Karla "We grew up in the south where using Ma'am and Sir were the only acceptable way of addressing adults. My husband was an active duty Marine while our children were young. So using Ma'm and Sir were just as common and necessary for us and our children as was Please and Thank You and chewing with their mouth closed. There were some adults who told our children not to call them ma'm or sir because they felt it made them feel old, and I thought that was rude manners on the adults part. But for the most part, people like being addressed and treated politely. My children are now 23, 25, 26 and 30. They have thanked us for teaching them good manners. They say that many times, by using please, thank you, ma'm and sir, it has helped them in professional and social situations. (All our kids turned out pretty good too, my daughter works at a major university in the testing and evaluation center, the sons are a law school student, animal welfare officer and supervisor for a large electric company.)" ~ Rhonda in OK "In Hawaii, you probably won't hear the term 'Ma'am' or 'Sir' used much unless the children are from a military family. It seems disrespectful for a youth to address an older person by their first name so you should encourage the use of those terms as an expression of respect.
In the islands, an endearing term that is used by a lot of the
children when addressing adults would be 'Aunty' or 'Uncle.'
That is a polite and respectful way for a young person to
address an adult when the child does not know the adult's
last name, even if they are not related to the adult. I smile
when a child or young adult addresses me this way instead of
ugh, by my first name." ~ Debbie
" If more people
would teach their children to say, 'Yes sir' and 'Yes Ma'am,'
more people would hear it and like you, think it is a good thing
and perpetuate the teaching of good manners in their own homes.
Think of how good it is to hear the respectful speech of anyone
who has served in the Armed Forces. With all the poor grammar,
so called 'ebonics' and foul language heard everywhere, a simple
thing like 'Yes sir' is very welcome.' ~ Marie in Florida "When my oldest son was about three, I started thinking about this same question. He called everyone by their first name, my second son was just starting to talk, but was calling people by their given names, as well. It occurred to me that he considered adults his friends. I wanted to impress upon my children that adults are authority figures in their lives, not their friends. Since that time, we've required that they call everyone 'Mr,' and 'Mrs.' Teens and college students can be called by their first name with a 'Mr.' or 'Miss' in front of it. Making the transition was not that hard. We simply made them repeat the question or comment using the proper names. At home, we always speak about people by their proper names. There are some people that my younger son doesn't even know what their first names are! The thing to remember is that at an early age my children will call people whatever I tell them to call them :) It builds a habit and by the time their teens, they won't even have to think about proper etiquette. It will be built in." ~ Lynnette in NE "I
was never brought up saying 'Yes/No Ma'am.' I actually
wanted to because my friends used it, but my father said
absolutely not. He felt that it showed disrespect to the
child. We were also told to call their adult friends by
their first name, because that was what their name was. I
lived in a very conservative household. My parents were not
hippies or liberals. I want my children’s friends to call
me by my first name. I feel like an old fogy if they call me
Mrs. so and so. "I have a 16 month old son who we’re teaching to say, 'Yes Ma’am' and 'Yes Sir,' when he answers us. Obviously he is at an early age to be 'speaking' but what he does do is nod his head. We’ll say, 'Say, "Yes Ma’am,' and he’ll nod away. This is our first so no idea how well this will carry over into the speaking phase of his life but it’s worth a shot. My husband was raised in the south where it’s just BASIC manners to address someone like that." ~ Mandi
"Maybe
it is a regional question. In New York, when a
person is addressed as 'Ma'am' or 'Sir,'
it is usually done in a sarcastic way. In other
words, the people who are being addressed are perceived as
old, not with it, annoying, etc. In certain stores, the
employees are required to use those terms. However,
I still find them offensive. Perhaps if I lived down
South, I would be used to it." ~ Anonymous
"I grew up with 'Sir' and 'Ma'am' and never using anyone's first name unless invited to do so. My friends parents were always 'Mr. or Mrs. Jones'. I think it's a measure of respect that children learn to address other people in a formal way unless those people tell them to call them by another name. I am 61, work for an investment firm, and I do not become familiar with clients unless invited to do so. And most of them are 15 or more years younger than I am, so it is not a matter of addressing elders properly! Although we live in a very casual society, I think children need to learn that they are not on an equal level to adults yet. In other societies, and I'm drawing mostly on my experience with Western societies, although I am absolutely certain it is true in non-Western societies, the adults would be horrified by the casualness we adopt in America. In the military, this wouldn't even be brought up. 'Sir' and 'Ma'am' are absolutes. I may be old fashioned, but I would hate to hear my grandchildren say to their teachers, friends' parents, or any adults, something like 'Hey, Maggie, how's it goin'?' instead of 'How are you, Mrs. So and So.' The very fact that this is a question for discussion disturbs me. Good manners are not about knowing to use the right fork at dinner." ~ Kate in Florida "You betcha! We have been teaching our daughter to say 'Yes, ma'am' and 'Yes, Sir' since she started speaking. She has yet to grasp it fully (she just turned three), but she does say it occasionally. We don't think most children respect their elders very much any more. We hope to instill this respectful attitude in our daughter." ~ Tina in Colorado "Yes, we as grandparents have actively taken a part in insisting on all seven of our grandchildren use old fashioned manners which years ago were expected of all people, regardless of their age. This is simply respect for others as far as I am concerned." ~ Diane
"I think it is
important to use Ma'am or Sir when addressing
adults. However, I was also taught that it takes away
from the loving and caring aspect to call my dad or
mom this. I was to respect them by my voice
tone, attitude, effort, and other things they had
taught me. I am a stay at home mom who
homeschools and think etiquette is very important. Children
nowadays lack these important skills. So yes,
when I worked as a cashier, at the end of the
transaction, I would say, 'Have a good day, Sir.'
This has also carried over into our own business as I
answer the phones, I use Sir and Ma'am as needed.
But I never require my children to talk to me or their
dad in this manner." ~ April
Editor's Note: Thanks to all these readers who took time to write! |